


This Is The Thing

by e_mors



Series: Make It Good [6]
Category: Actor RPF, Call Me By Your Name (2017) RPF
Genre: Angst, Epistolary, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-23
Updated: 2018-03-23
Packaged: 2019-04-07 03:15:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14071716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/e_mors/pseuds/e_mors
Summary: Armie works his way to act upon the choice he's made.





	This Is The Thing

**Author's Note:**

> The title comes from a song by [ Fink ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FPCeA5Vl29k)

_Dear Elizabeth,_

 

_I don’t know if you ever have the chance to read this, but I need to put this down, pen on paper. Make it definite - at least for myself. And find a way out of the chaos in my head._

_I should probably start from this - I love you. I know you don’t believe me at this point, but it’s true._

_I’ve realised that love is something that’s ever changing, evolving as we do. I’m sure that feelings you have for me today are different than at the beginning. It’s not a bad thing and it’s not anybody’s fault. It’s just the way life goes. Love learns and grows and gets more complex with time, sometimes we just don’t want to accept it. Please, know that there is so much love and warmth and gratitude in my heart for you, that it overwhelms me. You are the mother of our children, you are the head of our home and you are the fearless leader of our lives - something I could never be._

_I am somebody else today than I was ten years ago, You know it best. And tomorrow I will be another version of myself and it will never stop. I admit, I haven’t seen that before and it’s crucial in the process that we are going through right now. It hit me hard two years ago in Crema._

_But I’m getting ahead of myself. Because before that there was a rift between us that influenced everything that happened after. I know we talked about it and I know we worked through it and I know we seemed to have solved it and then we had Ford but we were deluding ourselves and we both know it._

_I can’t forget the things we found out during our therapy. Even now I can’t erase that picture from my head from the Texas Awards - you and my mother, in perfect sync with your questioning looks during Tim’s speech. We talked about this almost three years ago and it didn’t really change. It’s not your fault, of course. I chose you, I chose you myself, for exactly who you are. But now I feel I’m finally freeing myself from her. I don’t want her control and no longer do I want her approval. And the same feelings unconsciously transpose onto you, just as once the need for some better kind of version of her made my heart fall in love with you in the first place. I know it’s unfair. I know it’s harsh. I know it’s cruel. I should have been a grown-up man ten years ago. But I wasn’t. I feel like I’m just starting to be one now._

_And this brings me to Crema. To Luca. And to Tim._

_I never anticipated that I would be transformed by a single experience to such extent. But meeting Luca was a turning point and you know as much. I never had somebody like him in my life. Nobody would ever guide me while being so understanding and accepting at the same time. He knew me better than I knew myself and it was instant and effortless. He opened me up and showed me myself. I don’t know how to describe this better. He showed me the darkest parts of myself and told me he loved them. I never had that, it disarmed me. I was stunned that I don’t have to hide those things, that there are people who are willing to welcome me whole, without exceptions._

_Maybe it is the state of wonder that I found myself in or maybe it is the sweet drug of being fully accepted but I can’t go back to what our life was before. And I’m sorry. I tried to include you in this new-found world but you didn’t want to go with me, did you? I understand that you don’t want to be dependent on my sudden changes of direction. This sprung on you as much as it did on me, but I just have to surrender to it, you don’t._

_But that’s not all, is it._

_I know you are waiting for me to confess._

_Yes. I fell in love with Tim. I don’t know how it happened. But I know when. And it was the very first moment I saw him. Believe me, for the longest time I couldn’t quite understand what had happened and once I did, I fought it. I thought it was just a faze, just an infatuation caused by the shoot and my shiny new vulnerability. I told myself I was becoming Oliver, being a method actor, because of Luca’s specific approach. But the truth is, and I know this now, I fell in love with him._

_These two things aligned. It’s not coincidence that I fell for his unguardedness and that in fact his openness made me hate my masks all the more._

_So as you can see it really is about the change I’m going through and not about me stopping loving you. Please, understand._

_But it’s also about Tim now. I can’t keep denying this - for his sake as well. Because I see that it forces him to pretend and I never want him to live like this. It pains me more than anything else. To be an actor in front of camera is one thing but to pretend to be somebody else in life is another. I know, because I did it my whole life and I’m excruciatingly tired and tainted by it. I don’t want that for him, so I have to do this._

_I am so sorry. I know I hurt you beyond words. I hope you will find happiness after this pain and it will be better than you’ve ever known. I still love you, just differently than before. I beg your forgiveness and hope you will understand._

 

Armie saves the document and closes the computer. He’s pretty sure he will never show it to her, but it helped him a lot. He needs to know how to put into words what he’s going through, he needs to know how to explain it. It’s just like preparing for a role, he needs to do the work, do the research to feel confident on set.

But no matter how many letters he writes, how many times he rehearses it in his head, this particular task won’t get any easier. It will crush everything he was building his whole adult life. He almost sees it tumbling down.

He takes out his phone. No messages from Tim. He checks the internet and he sees posts on instagram - Timmy chatting away at some opening of a gallery and such, having dinner with Joel Edgerton, just meeting people, working on his next project - simply living his life.

Maybe he doesn’t believe Armie really chose him, maybe he’s already doing damage control and trying to move on? Armie’s heart pounds and doubt washes over him yet again. Timmy is so young, maybe he doesn’t fully understand the gravity of what Armie has to do, of the sacrifice he has to make for him.

He pours himself a glass of whiskey and opens his computer again. He types Tim’s e-mail address, attaches the letter, writes „I haven’t sent it to her, because these things need to be said out loud but I want you to know how I’m trying to do this right.” and clicks send. He knows he might regret it but he really wants to be transparent with Tim, it seems to be the only way.

Fifteen minutes later he gets a text.

 

Timmy: I can’t do this.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank You for following this story.  
> This Part was written in a sudden flash of inspiration. It surprised myself, so let me know what you think!  
> I live off of Your comments and kudos.


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